Since I shared our infertility journey with you back in September, I’ve left the subject alone, not to keep you in the dark but to let nature take its course and to embrace it. When we found out we were pregnant mid fall after our second attempt of IVF, we screamed, cried, and went into total shock (more on those fun details, gender and due date in another post!), but my ever so dreamed about “We’re Pregnant!” blog entry that lived at the top of my to do list was never touched. I didn’t open a blank page to let alone stare at, in confidence I’d end up in serious waterworks and just shut my computer off with nothing accomplished. Plus, what would you women still struggling in your mission to motherhood think? Would I bring you hope? Or straight up bring you sadness? Come December I realized you’re all bound to see my baby bump so I have to eventually come up with something, right? Well, here I am at 5:30 in the morning attempting my very last in-the-moment-post from scratch, because even after ten or so drafts the past weeks, nothing has been (or ever will be) good enough. To think only months ago we were contemplating surrogacy and adoption (which don’t get me wrong here, would have been blessings in their own special way) and now I’m sitting on my couch with two baby buns in my own oven staring at my Christmas tree is magical. How do I explain this miraculous feeling, and the gratitude that has overcome my body and soul?
All I can say is I’d take months more of fertility drugs just to understand the concept of trial and error. I’d travel across the world again with syringes in my suitcase to realize the distance I’d go for my child (and the good comical story that might come with it:)). I’d cry a million more tears to exude the permanent smile that now lives on my face. And I’d prick myself a thousand more times with a needle to receive the joy I now know that feels like I’m walking on clouds.
It’s funny to think about last year and our original “plan”: get pregnant in the Fall, and surprise our families at Christmas 2015. One thing I’ll teach my buns is life doesn’t go as planned and as my dad always put it, the journey is half the fun (ok, maybe fun is the wrong word here). Had I known one Christmas later I’d have not one but two beautiful gifts on the way, perhaps I would have slowed down a bit to enjoy the ride. I learned how to fight for something I love, practice patience for something that felt unreachable and understand physical, emotional and financial sacrifice for my children before I’ve even met them (I promise we’ll make up for that college fund, kids)! The reward I feel now is intensely overwhelming, for my once so empty uterus is now overflowing with life, and my once broken heart now pieced together with double the love.
We hope and pray our buns keep growing healthily and thanks to you all, we have so much positivity and faith! I’ll share all the fun first trimester details in another post, but for now I hope whatever it is you are looking for, you find your peace and patience. As my girlfriend always told me (and you suffering mamas, listen up!), “we don’t always know why God does things the way He does, but His way is always better.”
Happy Holidays to you and yours.